My Gluteus Maximus is Smokin’ Hot

For the first time in the 52 Thursday Template series, I will not feature a template on Thursday. Maybe tomorrow, or Saturday. But not today. Why? Because my ass is smokin’ hot.

Actually, my stove caught on fire last night and I used a fire extinguisher to put-out the flames. And I’ve never burned down my place before. It’s not on my daily to-do list. Was I supposed to know that an acid cloud would engulf the entire kitchen from ceiling to tile floor? Or move into my adjacent office where my entire world of electronics and gidgets blink with their little fluorescent lights? Who know … who freaking knew!?

I didn’t. And I usually make it my business to know such common things.

And that’s why my ass is smokin’ hot. I’ve been sitting on it for hours cleaning or scooting and scrubbing then scraping. All because of a fire I didn’t even start — food wasn’t even in the oven folks. But THAT’s a story for another day.

For now do know 52 Thursdays will resume tomorrow or Saturday as soon as I’ve licked the last piece of acid residue off the breadbox.

Blast from the Past: I Went Blind Today

There are some things from ye old blog I want to forget and others I don’t. This blast from the past, circaMarch 2007, is worth remembering. Here we go …

You ain’t gonna believe it! Excuse me … you aren’t going to believe this one. But I promise you … you can’t make this type of stuff up.

See, I’m supposed to be sleep – doctors orders. But instead, I’m making a special moment to blog about what happened this morning just to share with y’all, brighten your weekend, and let anybody know who might be looking for me that I’ll be back online on Monday. Sorry, doctor’s orders. Let me give you the play by play:

I went temporarily blind this morning. Holy No-Eyes Batman! Buh-lind! It started out as an area in my vision (both eyes) which I could see a crescent moon of no color and no shapes. Freaked me the {beeeeep} out! I was looking at Lita and hubby the ex and suddenly they were not there! I didn’t scream or anything, just sat down because I immediately thought I was having a stroke. Curse that Butter Cake from yesterday! (that’s what I was thinking).

I started lifting my hands in the air trying to feel if one was not communicating and talking to check my speech. Funny how someone who’s having a stroke CAN’T check their own symptoms. But I didn’t think about how I could do that. Just that I couldn’t see my own family or surroundings and my eyes were wide open.

So there I sat for five minutes not saying anything just watching (actually not-watching) the world around me go missing (not even dark just missing). The weirdest experience of my life to date. I started to pray, pray about seeing my daughter’s face again, how I took looking at color for granted and even trailed off into thinking that I could at least still hear and perhaps I could learn to play the piano again.

Then I had this sudden rush of fear that I was going to … pass … you know, move on … become deceased. Anxiety is the best word for that.

That lasted for eight minutes. Finally, my eyesight began to return and I could see mostly everything except out of my peripheral. That was good enough to let me know that I hadn’t died. I ran to the phone, called my eye doctor and they scheduled me in right away.

Then I told my husband the ex to drive me there (he finally noticed something was wrong with me).

So my vision doc (who I just spent a nice morning with) said I was having some type of ocular migraine which has nothing to do with my eyes — believe it or not. In my case, it’s brought on by an immediate case of abrupt stress. Something so powerful experienced by a person who’s already a bit stressed out. So big stressor on top of little unusual stresses. Not the best thing in life.

Now, you and I both have that question? What was the big stressor? Doc asked the same thing. What in the world happened so quickly that caused me to lose my vision temporarily??? Hmmm? Is the suspense killing you yet?

This morning my alarm clock (Lita) woke me up at 7 am. I made oatmeal for breakfast and sat down with Lita to watch Oobi. Normal day normal life. After that, we played around the house, I made the beds, checked my email and handed Lita her play phone and conducted a mock conversation between her stuffed animals and her. Regular good times.

About 9:00 am, I heard my front door open which is weird because hubby the ex doesn’t come home for lunch until noon and he ALWAYS calls. Didn’t hear any keys jiggle the deadBOLTED double locks! Just the door slowly creak open. Lita and I (thinking it was hubby the ex) walked out the back room, through the living room, hall, then dining room to the front door and I stopped about six feet from it because by this time usually hubby the ex should have been well through the door taking his coat off. He wasn’t.

This time it was wide open and NO ONE was standing there. My-heart-stopped-beating! It STOPPED!

I couldn’t decide what to do in that instant because what if the perpetrator was already in the house behind me. They would have had enough time to sneak past me on my way from the other side of our home. How would I defend myself and more importantly how would I defend Lita? And with what!? What the {Beep} was I to do? What if they were standing there on the opposite side of the door waiting to grab me and my baby? Oh Jesus! WTF! (Those two phrases aren’t supposed to go together but in this case they did)!

Finally, my hubby the ex pokes his wide-grinned, evil-butt head around the door and said, “Got You”. I just about collapsed. And that’s when my vision started to go vacant. I guess it was all my little body could take!

Now, all I can do is vegetate this weekend. NO STRESS the doctor ordered. No more 3 am sessions of mass producing … anything … then waking back up at 7 am. No major house cleaning (I ain’t mad at that at all!) No heated debates with my friends, no new and/or stressful movies, no worrying about bills. No nothing!

I was thinking about ways to get my husband the ex back for this evil set of events and I tell you — the end joke is on him. Now that I can’t lift a finger, he has to do ALL the housework: do the grocery shopping, the laundry, the dusting, the vacuuming, go get the car fixed, drop checks off at the bank, take Lita to see my Mom, cook all three meals, AND do everything I normally do for our child this weekend. And he had to take the rest of the day off from work to get started today and of course drive me to the doc’s office! Heh-heh-heh.

I tell ya, it’s worth losing my vision for a simple 10 minutes just to have seen that look on hubby’s face after hours of testing my vision (and cranium) when the doc told him, “Boy, you’re going to have a GREAT weekend! I will offer a piece of advice son, next time bring home some flowers for your wife instead of anything else you might be thinking.”

 

Scraphic Design: Core

Scraphic Design 2 + Seat Giveaway

The final installment of the Scraphic Design workshop will open has opened for registration today! Class begins July 25th. Fist bump. Fist pound. Interlock thumbs, bump elbows, whistle, and pose.

Featured within Scraphic Design: Core is a fusion of sweet ‘ole scrapbooking with graphic design principles tailored for the digital scrapbooker. You’ll learn how to begin with blank canvas and finish with kick-butt completed page. This new class features:

  • 22 in-depth video lessons in the areas of color theory and application, pattern mixing, element clustering according to style type, text works, and realistic depth,
  • Class workbook with video lesson steps outs + additional challenges and case studies not featured in the video lessons,
  • My trade secrets for building wow pages,
  • An exclusive digital kit by One Little Bird,
  • Free 12×12 page prints of your projects courtesy of Persnickety Prints,
  • and a final, personalized PDF critique of your completed projects with suggestions for strengths, areas of improvement and goal sheet by me.

Geeked yet? Oh, you want to see the class kit? Peppermint, owner and designer of One Little Bird, created the doo-hickeys and threads we’ll play with during class. It’s colorful, it’s unique, it does backflips (not really), and it’s only available as part of the Scraphic class.

One Little Bird's La Belle Vie

Drooling yet? Oh you want to see some of the concepts I’ll discuss. Check out a layout below … a lil’ preview of one of the five color lessons.

Tiffany Tillman's Souvies Layout

You’ve got questions? I’ve got answers …

Is it imperative to have taken the Scraphic Design: Foundations class?

It would work to your benefit but it’s not absolutely necessary. The Foundation class covers the basics of finding inspiration, sketching, and building strong structures using the principles of design. That’s just as important. However, you can jump into the Core class and then take the Foundations class when it’s offered again in the Fall.

Are templates included?

Not at this time. The purpose of Scraphic Design is to give you the tools to make amazing pages based off of your own polished design sense.

Do you truly believe this process works?

Why yes, ma’am. Yes I do! I built this class from the ground up using the same knowledge and techniques I’ve used to draft award-winning scrapbook pages. Everything I share, from the roota to the tootah, is part of the process I use to whip out pages. I’m not only the instructor, I’m a student of this process too.

Are you ready to become a student? Take advantage of the $10 off pre-registration price and sign-up before July 5, 2011. Then throw your hat in the ring to …

win a complimentary seat into scraphic design: core

To enter: Leave me a comment here by Thursday, June 30th at 11:59 PM Eastern Standard time/New York City. (Don’t worry, you’ll receive a full refund if you take advantage of the early bird price, purchase the class, and win). Increase your chances of winning by posting about this giveaway on twitter/facebook/or your blog. Be sure to come back and post a link as a new comment entry. Post a new comment for each. Good luck!

The winner will be announced here on Friday, July 1st.

Blank Slate

Check out my new digs, baby. Clean, whimsical, selective color. All that I once was not. Compared to my old digs, I’m flashing you right now. I’m completely and utterly naked.

The point is this is my new blog stripped of old posts and personal information that was no longer current or was no longer true. Starting today, you’ll find the best of what I offer to the scrapbook community plus the snarky wit of my super-ego. I can’t promise you’ll snort laughter every time you stop by. But at the very least you’ll witness me mouth off. Don’t worry, I’ll cover myself with a trench coat on exceptionally cold days.

Visit often and/or update your Simply Tiffany Studios feed here.

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